In the last twenty minutes, as I got to sit for the first time today I am acutely aware that my Dad is gone. I can hear the timbre of his voice in my head, from so many Fathers Day calls before. Hey Josie (his pet name for me), how is it going? My Dad was far from perfect, but he was warm. He loved racy jokes and the music from his generation, the Greatest One. I know he loved me. I miss him madly and today when a friend at a kids birthday party asked how long my husband was at his current job I knew off the top of my head, because my Dad was gone a few weeks after he started his job.
I was lucky today. I woke with a father figure in my house. My old friend’s father was here, we enjoyed him, and hope if he has to pass this way again he looks us up. Having him here was not like having my mother which is psychologically taxing. He thought we were enough, he has always thought I was enough, although he is not a fan of tattoos. Heck, no one is perfect.
My husband went with another special needs Dad on a long motorcycle ride. He arrived in time to come with me to Cecily and Charlie’s daughters birthday. It was perfect. We had a mish mash of folks there some of who I know for less than a year like Dresden, who I love, and created a big event with this year, and I had friends I have known for a decade, then there were Cecily, Charlie, and Sarah who I have known for about twenty five years. Charlie reminds me of my Dad’s generation especially when he croons. Ryan is having a rough transition from school to summer and was not in a good way. My friends love him, understood, and it felt good to be ourselves. We parented him appropriately although it was hard.
We came home and were a family together for the first time in a while. We are going to eat salmon with homemade peach salsa, corn on the cob , and shrimp. My kids gave my husband their gifts and the gift that Ryan suggested that was completely appropriate.
It’s Father Day and it is all ok. Kind of..