I’d forgotten how all consuming full time parenting is. Although we have activities when the boys don’t require my input, I am in charge pretty much 24/7 until I got to work on Thursday evening. In some ways it is good. I know what my kids do everyday. I am not left guessing what happens to them at school and I know their lives are pretty happy. In some ways it is bad. In tending to others needs I tend to loose myself. It is easy to become complacent and not take care of yourself mentally, physically, emotionally because at the end of the day of care taking the time for yourself seems like too much effort.
When my husband gets home at the end of the day I truly have nothing to say, because nothing has really happened to me most of the day. I helped to make things happen for others, I feed, discipline, teach, get the kids were they need to go, support, care, and cheer on. My working from home has slowed up because I am waiting on a big project to start but until then I am in a work holding pattern. I am getting back to exercising today when the kids are off at tennis. Every night I have been collapsing into bed falling asleep quickly because the day starts early. Beyond that it’s all I can do to wait for Thursday night when I get to go to work and drive in the car alone.
Don’t get me wrong I am enjoying every single second of the boys being home. I am a person who thrives with balance and I feel the almost constant demands of the boys do not create balance for me. It is hard to for me to get the chance to step out of the Mommy bubble when the kids go to bed. It takes a minute to get there and by then I usually am passed out. It are these reasons I fear homeschooling. Never being able to step out of the bubble wouldn’t be good for me. For me to be a good parents I need sometime in my life that is not about the kids. I need to go do things that have nothing to do with our special needs, swim team, education, or cooking. I need to have time to be myself. If not I become a shell.