I love both my kids with everything I have. I have to get this out. Sometimes it is hard to stay positive ALL the time.
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After school Thursday, when Ryan was suspended, I brought him home, got him to change into his swim clothes, and I put him in his room. He came out of his room about forty seven times insisting that there someone trying to kill him or he would make noises and scream who is that. Eventually he settled down and read for a while.
I sat with Aaron. We completed his homework in twenty minutes. He asked questions about the directions here and there but he was able to complete it on his own. Then he read two books and we drilled the spelling words. It was a fine exchange. No frustration, no struggle, no repeating the same mistake over and over, and I noticed my stomach was not in knots, and I enjoyed watching my little boy learn. I marvel often how easy it is to manage Aaron. He has boundless energy but he is so much easier to parent.
I thought to myself, parenting Ryan is like parenting three kids. We have to monitor him much more closely that you monitor a kid who is nine because he can and has gotten hurt (anyone remember the Thanksgiving Day overstimulated log throwing incident that had him in the ER and receiving six staples last year?) The list making, the chart making, the behavior management, the consistency, the explanations to have him accepted by coaches and teachers as not just the “bad kid” who is poorly parented is enough to want to make me scream. I hate having to be this anal parent who has to be so hyper organized, and fighting for every scrap of help the school and external agencies bestow upon us because without the help life is even more unbearable. I am so sick of hearing what a great Mom I am. I am not a great Mom, I am the Mom I have to be.
Sometimes I really really wish this were not my life. I hate waiting every day for the next bad behavior event to happen at school, swimming, the playground, or in the house and I feel relief when things actually go ok or he goes to sleep. I really hate when people tell me everything is going to be “fine” because really they have no fucking clue. It is hard to watch Ryan struggle so hard to learn knowing he is fiercely smart but with his memory issues, learning disabilities, conduct disorder, ADHD, and puzzling could be maybe Autism, drilling for a science test for a week might bring a grade of 50%, yet in reading where he was two years behind he has straight A’s. I hate there are so little resources for kids like this except for homeschooling, private school that costs more than I make, and jamming the square pegs into the round holes of the super broken public schools. I hate how this “times three” kid robs my amazing neurotypical kid of attention and time everyday.
I really hate I have no control over being able to fix or help him in any meaningful way.
October 13, 2012 at 8:12 am
Oh, Jo. I wish I could give you a hug. I wish I could do anything to make it a little easier for you. You shouldn’t have to be fighting as hard as you are.
October 13, 2012 at 8:31 am
Jo-Ann, I am thinking of you and I kinda don’t know what to say. There are moments in single parenting when I’d like to give it (her) up but then there r the other beautiful moments, thank god – nowhere near what you’re experiencing. I wish you courage. My Mom used to say that to me – have courage. Never knew why she said it all the time, but I’m starting to have a clue. Much love to you.
October 13, 2012 at 10:34 am
I hope letting our your frustrations helps a little. Being the mom you have to be is the definition to me of being a great mom. Hang in there.
October 13, 2012 at 3:25 pm
whenever someone is dealt a difficult hand, people always say, “i don’t know how he/she does it.” the truth is, if they had been dealt the same hand, they would just do it, because that is what we do. we keep living, we push forward, we do the best we can and we hope for the best. parenting ryan doesn’t make you a good mother, surviving and loving your child makes you a good parent.
October 13, 2012 at 9:28 pm
For me having two children at opposite ends has the obvious obstacles, as you pointed out. But I find with the child who currently needs less guidance that she helps remind me that it’s not my parenting skills (and the lack thereof) that “caused” my son’s LD. If so, both of them would be struggling.
October 14, 2012 at 4:35 pm
I truly understand. Hugs XO
October 16, 2012 at 12:14 pm
It’s ok to vent girl! None of us ever know the struggles of another parent — but it can be really good to give people a little glimpse of the reality of it. And I would disagree with the statement that everyone would deal with things as well if they were dealt the same hand — that is why we all say “you’re a great mom”. I know people who recognize that their kids are allergic to things and they don’t fully eliminate them. My friend got a dog even though her son is allergic (because her daughter wanted it?!). He is now on a daily antihistamine which is affecting his attention levels and he’s having asthma flare ups all the time. I have two kids with severe allergies and it was easy to eliminate those foods (because otherwise we’d be in the ER all the time), but it was harder for me to step up and take out all the dyes and preservatives, even though I could tell that my younger ones brain didn’t seem to be handling those added stressors well. Having a kid with “issues” is always tough…how far to take things (do I do Fiengold??) and how much do we try to fit in with the “the norm” and deal with the consequences. It’s a terrifically tough balancing act!! I am just glad that I have more than one kid so that I can see that it’s not all my parenting…it takes the ego out. If ‘d only had my first I’d think I was an amazingly A+ great parent — he’s great behaviorly in school and things come easily to him. I’d think it was all the creative play and outdoor time and such. But with my second I see that things are just harder for him and school will almost certainly be a struggle.